Submitted by Diane Lang, positive living expert, life coach, speaker.
We all have been hurt, probably much more than once. If you're human, you have felt the hurt, anger. We have all felt the sadness when someone breaks your trust, and you feel betrayed. Trust can be broken in any type of relationship- family, couples, friendships and they all cause pain and suffering. The question is: Can I trust this person again?
That is a hard question to answer and it's very individual, but there are some things you should think about before you make the decision: “To trust or not to trust.”
As you think about this hard decision, there is no guarantee that someone will not hurt you again. That is what makes it so scary. Learning to trust again is risky. Forgiveness is also a process; it does not happen overnight. If you plan on trying to keep the relationship and forgive, be realistic about it. Do not expect a miracle, you will have triggers and trust is earned, it will take time.
Ask yourself if you could trust the person enough to give the relationship a second chance? Is this relationship worth the investment of your time and energy?
Consider the relationship before the mistrust. Is this a one-time incident? Or does it happen frequently? Is it a pattern?
Is the person who hurt you planning on making a change, so it does not happen again? Did they learn from the mistake? Are they feeling bad and asking for you to forgive them? Or are they blaming you? Are they holding themselves accountable? If they do not recognize their wrongdoing, they will not change. Self-awareness is key.
Do they want to change? Even people who know what they did are wrong and own it, do not always want to change. Change is scary.
You must do what is best for you. You can get advice from others but in the end, you will have to do the best thing for you. If you decide to try again in the relationship, there are ways you can help to build the trust.
Six Ways to Building Trust
Be true to your word – if you say you will do something, then do it! Trust goes two ways in any relationship. This also means saying “No” when you can’t or don’t want to do something. If we say yes, when we mean no, we either feel resentful, do it half fast or cancel at the last minute. This causes more anger and frustration.
Communicate – Poor or no communication at all is the reason why relationships do not work out. Communicate what you expect, want, and need. Be a good active and empathetic listener.
Consistency - we build trust when there are people who are present in your life consistently. Showing up and being there for the good and the bad.
Honesty- always be honest. Lying will tear down any relationship instantly.
Do not hide your feelings – being vulnerable builds trust. Acknowledging and being empathetic to someone else’s feelings builds trust.
Apologies - if you apologize for hurting someone and promise to change then change! The worst is giving an apology that is not genuine and not putting the effort into changing the behavior and fixing the issue. This means admitting/acknowledging your wrongdoing, apologizing, and offering ways to fix the issue. Keep your promises!
For more information visit: www.dlcounseling.com or email Diane Lang at DLCounseling2014@gmail.com.